Every year, Sen. Rand Paul releases a “Festivus” report documenting government waste, and this year is no different.
The senator’s latest “Festivus” report includes meth-head monkeys, cats on a treadmill, and even Barbie photos — yes, Barbie photos.
Meth-head Monkeys
Researchers at the University of Mississippi Medical Center who received roughly $12 million in government grants dosed monkeys with methamphetamine in the morning and then tracked their sleeping habits.
Cats on a Treadmill
U.S. government-funded Russian scientists snipped the brain stems of cats and then forced them to walk on a treadmill.
“These cat-walks were part of a $2.7 million National Institutes of Health (NIH) grant given to a researcher at the Georgia Institute of Technology in the U.S. The Institute then sub granted the funds to researchers in St. Petersburg, Russia — a fact first uncovered by White Coat Waste Project in 2021,” the report reads.
WCW exposed how NIH sent $770K to a Putin-run cat lab. Then, we united Biden & Congress to DEFUND it & ALL other Russian animal labs!
It’s the 1st time that $ has been cut for an entire nation’s animal labs!
WATCH the true story of 2023’s #1 WIN for cats & all lab animals! pic.twitter.com/Q0PdvHgFAN
— White Coat Waste Project ️ (@WhiteCoatWaste) December 22, 2023
Barbie Photos
Swindlers used photos of Barbie dolls to confirm their identity while applying for COVID Paycheck Protection Program (PPP) loans during the COVID-19 pandemic.
“What was supposed to be an AI system to verify proof of identity, quickly exposed the stupidity of the program. The verification system did not catch the images of dolls uploaded by fraudsters. Somehow the Small Business Administration carelessly approved the applicants from Toyland and sent out improper COVID-19 PPP payments,” the report notes.
Barbie’s Dream World has nothing on the fiscal nightmare surrounding COVID-19 spending. Fraudsters uploaded Barbie and doll-like images as proof of ID, and the government actually believed it! pic.twitter.com/ZkU4PvBV5m
— HSGAC GOP (@HSGAC_GOP) December 22, 2023
Transgender Monkeys
Under Dr. Fauci’s tutelage, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) wasted close to $500,000 to fund the “forced feminization of male rhesus macaques.”
A Florida lab reportedly “worked to make male lab monkeys ‘transgender’ to address ‘social injustices’ suffered by ‘transgender persons’ such as ‘transgender women (TGW)-individuals who were assigned a male set at birth but express their gender along a female spectrum.'”
@RandPaul put out a wasteful spending #festivus report highlighting $900 billion in waste. Behold, Dr. #Fauci‘s #transgender monkey study.
Some other highlights posted in this thread. pic.twitter.com/NSHQTOLlon
— Steven Middendorp (@smiddendorp22) December 22, 2023
Monkey Island
The National Institutes of Health (NIH) reportedly signed a $33.2 million contract with a local business tasked with housing, feeding, and caring for roughly 3,000 monkeys.
“The federal government established the colony in the late 1970s, though the multi-million dollar contract to care for the monkeys changed hands a few times. NIH also paid millions to a large pharmaceutical company to maintain Dr. Fauci’s Monkey Island,” the report reads.
Presenting today’s edition of “The OAN segment that broke me:” Fauci’s Monkey Island pic.twitter.com/p1alKoj8eS
— Bee (@mount_bees) February 11, 2022
Monkey Casino
Two laboratory monkeys at the University of Minnesota were denied or given water depending on their gambling decisions.
“To study the region of the brain that impacts risk-taking choices, parts of monkeys’ skulls were removed and their brains were injected with tracers and monitored as they gambled between two different options presented to them on two screens,” the report reads.
“Test subjects were given a low-risk, low reward choice and a high-risk, high reward option, with the monkeys choosing risk over reward more than 70% of the time,” it continues.
Funded by the NIH, the study cost U.S. taxpayers $3.7 million.
️RAND PAUL’s US CONGRESS Pork Spending List is out!
So out of the $900 BILLION of Pork Spending: WE American Taxpayers spent $33 Million to Fauci’s 3K Monkey Island and another to Monkey Casino testing their gambling instinct, and another project giving Monkeys METH! pic.twitter.com/GYtn1z0K8y— Star Ali Mistriel (@AliMistriel) December 23, 2023
Lobster Tank
The Department of Defense reportedly paid $8,395 for a lobster tank obtained from a restaurant equipment company out of Virginia.
Dead People
An estimated $38 million was handed out to people who were dead.
“Specifically, $10 million was paid to individuals who were already dead on the date someone applied for funding. The government doled out $1.3 million of your money to 30 individuals who were dead for at least a year, in what fraud inspectors deemed one of the ‘particularly egregious examples,'” the report notes.
Authentic DHS Employees
And lastly, the Department of Homeland Security’s Cybersecurity Infrastructure Security Agency wasted an unknown amount teaching employees “effective strategies to build and sustain psychological safety that allows individuals to show up to work as their authentic and best selves.”
Previous “Festivus” reports from years past included money wasted on steroid-raging hamsters, coked-out beagles, drunken mice, and horny parrots.
Writers and editors can be contacted at [email protected] with feedback, tips, or corrections.
V. Saxena is a staff writer with a decade of experience as a professional writer, and a lifetime of experience as an avid news junkie. He holds a degree in computer technology from Purdue University. Saxena also contributes to BizPac Review.
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