Rand Paul’s annual Festivus report: ‘Meth-head monkeys,’ ‘cats on a treadmill’ and Barbie photos

Every year, Sen. Rand Paul releases a “Festivus” report documenting government waste, and this year is no different.

The senator’s latest “Festivus” report includes meth-head monkeys, cats on a treadmill, and even Barbie photos — yes, Barbie photos.

Meth-head Monkeys

Researchers at the University of Mississippi Medical Center who received roughly $12 million in government grants dosed monkeys with methamphetamine in the morning and then tracked their sleeping habits.

Cats on a Treadmill

U.S. government-funded Russian scientists snipped the brain stems of cats and then forced them to walk on a treadmill.

“These cat-walks were part of a $2.7 million National Institutes of Health (NIH) grant given to a researcher at the Georgia Institute of Technology in the U.S. The Institute then sub granted the funds to researchers in St. Petersburg, Russia — a fact first uncovered by White Coat Waste Project in 2021,” the report reads.

Barbie Photos

Swindlers used photos of Barbie dolls to confirm their identity while applying for COVID Paycheck Protection Program (PPP) loans during the COVID-19 pandemic.

“What was supposed to be an AI system to verify proof of identity, quickly exposed the stupidity of the program. The verification system did not catch the images of dolls uploaded by fraudsters. Somehow the Small Business Administration carelessly approved the applicants from Toyland and sent out improper COVID-19 PPP payments,” the report notes.

Transgender Monkeys

Under Dr. Fauci’s tutelage, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases  (NIAID) wasted close to $500,000 to fund the “forced feminization of male rhesus macaques.”

A Florida lab reportedly “worked to make male lab monkeys ‘transgender’ to address ‘social injustices’ suffered by ‘transgender persons’ such as ‘transgender women (TGW)-individuals who were assigned a male set at birth but express their gender along a female spectrum.'”

Monkey Island

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) reportedly signed a $33.2 million contract with a local business tasked with housing, feeding, and caring for roughly 3,000 monkeys.

“The federal government established the colony in the late 1970s, though the multi-million dollar contract to care for the monkeys changed hands a few times. NIH also paid millions to a large pharmaceutical company to maintain Dr. Fauci’s Monkey Island,” the report reads.

Monkey Casino

Two laboratory monkeys at the University of Minnesota were denied or given water depending on their gambling decisions.

“To study the region of the brain that impacts risk-taking choices, parts of monkeys’ skulls were removed and their brains were injected with tracers and monitored as they gambled between two different options presented to them on two screens,” the report reads.

“Test subjects were given a low-risk, low reward choice and a high-risk, high reward option, with the monkeys choosing risk over reward more than 70% of the time,” it continues.

Funded by the NIH, the study cost U.S. taxpayers $3.7 million.

Lobster Tank

The Department of Defense reportedly paid $8,395 for a lobster tank obtained from a restaurant equipment company out of Virginia.

Dead People

An estimated $38 million was handed out to people who were dead.

“Specifically, $10 million was paid to individuals who were already dead on the date someone applied for funding. The government doled out $1.3 million of your money to 30 individuals who were dead for at least a year, in what fraud inspectors deemed one of the ‘particularly egregious examples,'” the report notes.

Authentic DHS Employees

And lastly, the Department of Homeland Security’s Cybersecurity Infrastructure Security Agency wasted an unknown amount teaching employees “effective strategies to build and sustain psychological safety that allows individuals to show up to work as their authentic and best selves.”

Previous “Festivus” reports from years past included money wasted on steroid-raging hamsters, coked-out beagles, drunken mice, and horny parrots.

Vivek Saxena


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