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Tucker Carlson, who has a history of referring to former CNN boss Jeff Zucker as the “dwarf king,” offered a take on who should replace Zucker that was so loaded with intentional puns that the Fox News host eventually cracked up from the juvenile humor.
In a bombshell development earlier this week, Zucker abruptly resigned explaining in a memo that he was involved in an inter-office romance with CNN’s marketing chief, Allison Gollust, and failed to make that known, noting that the relationship came up during an internal investigation involving fired anchor Chris Cuomo.
“We told you last night, you saw it, Jeff Zucker got canned over at CNN — no longer the president. Tonight, who takes over as president of CNN? And the short answer is we don’t know,” Carlson said on Thursday evening’s episode of Tucker Carlson Tonight. “It seems pretty obvious the leading candidates will be chosen for their physical appearance rather than their competence, and as CNN’s competitor we strongly support that.”
“But we are also human and we want to help a fellow news channel in distress, so in the spirit of cross-network cooperation, here’s a suggestion: Why not replace Jeff Zucker with Jeff Toobin.”
Toobin, a legal analyst for CNN, will forever be known for exposing himself during a Zoom call with fellow New Yorker employees. He was fired by the magazine for allegedly pleasuring himself on camera, and while Toobin took a short-term hiatus from on-air appearances, CNN eventually brought him back.
“They’re both called Jeff. It’s not a small thing,” Carlson continued. “‘Sure, Jeff. Got it, Jeff. Gesundheit, Jeff. Here’s your large pizza, Jeff. Deep dish.’ Everyone at CNN is used to saying those words every day, so trading one Jeff for another would ease the transition. You wouldn’t want a Penelope in the job, too many syllables.”
He went on to explain that Toobin “knows the landscape at CNN.”
“He’s been there for decades. He knows how CNN works. In fact, he was trying to illustrate on his now-famous Zoom call. From the first day, Jeff Toobin would have the network in the palm of his hand. A lot of Jeff Zucker rubbed off on him over the years.”
“The job won’t be easy, obviously. Running a left-wing TV network isn’t like exposing yourself online,” Carlson continued. “It’s a lot more embarrassing than that. It’s also a ton of work. You’ve got to get up early every morning. You can’t just lie in bed whacking the snooze bar. You’ve got to make it to the office and crank it out. But Jeff Toobin’s up to it.”
Suggesting that Toobin has “a keen business mind,” Carlson then suggested some potential business partnerships.
“You can imagine the innovative new sponsorships,” he said. “The Lubriderm News Hour. Weather updates brought to you by Kleenex. A content sharing deal between Headline News and Only Fans. The possibilities are endless. So don’t dismiss Jeff Toobin, ladies and gentlemen, as the new president of CNN. The HR department at CNN has already endorsed him. Fewer lawsuits. Jeff Toobin’s not going to harass anyone. Only himself.”
Trying his best to keep the smirk from his face as he closed out the show, only to fail miserable, Carlson is seen bursting into laughter.
“I’m sorry. It was just sitting there,” he told viewers. “It’s impossible. It’s impossible to stop ourselves today.”
Adding to the hilarity, Fox News host Sean Hannity is brought up on the screen for the handoff and he is also laughing.
“I literally have tears in my eyes,” Hannity said. “You’ve ruined my show!”
Writers and editors can be contacted at [email protected] with feedback, tips, or corrections.
Tom Tillison grew up in Maryland before moving to Central Florida as a young teen. It is in the Sunshine State that he honed both his passion for politics and his writing skills. Tillison also contributes to BizPac Review.
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