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Rand Paul’s annual Festivus report includes ‘hamster fight club,’ parrot romance, drunk mice

December 24, 2022 | | Print Article

If you’re a fan of Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) then you know that, for the past decade, he has celebrated on December 23 the “Seinfeld” holiday known as “Festivus,” a day to get together with family and unload a year’s worth of grievances before Christmas.

With President Joe Biden in the White House, migrants at the border, and a $1.7 trillion omnibus spending bill poised to rob incoming House Republicans of any power they may have had to stop millions from going to woke and ridiculous causes, Paul didn’t disappoint.

How about some ‘roid-raging hamsters, coked-out beagles, drunk mice, and horny parrots to go with your eggnog this year?

The beauty of Festivus is that nothing is off-limits.

Not even Dr. Anthony Fauci.

“The last few years have seen petty tyrants literally tripping over each other to win dumbest covid lockdown or mandate idea,” Paul tweeted. “Congratulations to Dr. Fauci though for always coming out on top there.”

“I would air my grievance at Fauci again but I am trying to be festive – and also I’m trying to get home for Christmas,” he continued. “If I listed all of the things Fauci was wrong on…wow that guy is wrong a LOT.”

As Paul noted, torturing puppies tends to put a person on the “naughty” list.

The snarky Senator then launched into his annual Festivus “waste report” — and this year was a doozy.

And you thought we were joking about the horny parrots…


And the drunk mice…


Or the cracked-back beagles…


And then there are the angry little hampsters, all hopped up on steroids:

But if you want to see your hard-earned tax dollars wasted with true Festivus flair, you only need to look at the $28 million our government spent developing camouflage that literally everyone can see.


As Paul said, “If we don’t laugh we might cry.”

We mentioned that nothing is off-limits when you’re airing your Festivus grievances, right?

Sometimes, the mere mention of a name speaks volumes.


And, of course, the Big Guy got a mention for “letting our border stay wide open while asking for tens of billions more for Ukraine.”

But Festivus isn’t just about complaining. It’s about finding solutions.

And Paul has a brilliant idea for tracking the billions we have sent to Ukraine.


And, yes, everyone’s favorite money launderer made Paul’s list:


Not even the senator’s fellow Republicans were spared.

“Congress did what it always does though, make little deals and get enough republicans to join the democrats in continuing their massive spending spree,” Paul stated.

“Ask yourself if the leadership of both parties is all that much different on spending or endless wars,” he continued. “From bloated bureaucracy to Ukraine aid, foreign aid to not funding our border security, it’s hard to tell the difference.”

But we may have managed to convince a few Ethiopians to put on shoes, so… there’s that.

So taken was the Senator with the  Festivus spirit, he updated “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.”

Let’s face it, Congress is a gift that just keeps on taking.


So Happy Festivus, dear readers.

And a very Merry Christmas to you all!

 

Melissa Fine
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